You Say

  I am going to be real, vulnerable, and honest in this one. If it helps you, that's amazing or if you read it for entertainment, that's fine too.

I have struggled with low self worth and low self esteem for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, that has been something I work through/battle everyday. You need this information to read the rest of the blog.

The last few weeks have been difficult with this. I do not like the way I look whatsoever. Yes, I know what I have to do to change that and I have been working on that, but I still have these insecurities. I even had them when I was a size 2...

I was listening to a relaxation channel on Pandora this evening just sitting in the moment and praying. The song "You Say" came on and something really hit me. I hurt so badly when my girls say they don't like something about themselves or when they compare themselves to another person. As a mom of three girls and a youth leader, I have heard this a lot unfortunately. I always correct them and tell them they are absolutely beautiful and made the way God wanted them to be. As a mom this breaks my heart, and then it hit me...

It has to hurt God when we say these things about ourselves. He talks about everything He has called us...loved, beautiful, perfectly made in His image, wanted, adored. When He looks at us He doesn't see our imperfections, He doesn't see the extra weight, or acne, or scars from whatever, He sees perfection and love. Y'all, that's so big. I can't even wrap my head around that, but that is what He thinks of each and every one of us. 

Next time you look in the mirror, or think something negative about yourself, remember that God loves what He sees!! Be a little less harsh on yourself and have grace.

Changes

 Wow, to say this last year has been life changing is an understatement.  It has for everyone in so many ways, but I am going to share one big way it has for me. I know I have shared that I have been attending CR for a little over a year and recently just got my 1 year chip for anxiety, but that is only part of what I have done...

Attending CR has been so helpful and awesome. I am working to heal anxiety, self worth, and co-dependency.  What I haven't shared is that last August I started a Step Study. If you know anything about recovery of any kind, you know there are 12 steps. Well, in CR there are also 12 steps and 8 principles that we dive into to really heal/recover ourselves. This program has been very challenging and so rewarding. When I went through my Spiritual and moral inventory, I uncovered things I didn't know I  had been holding on to. I was able to release those and work through them. I have written my testimony from birth til now, that will be given in April.

What I really wanted to share is that on Wednesday, I am graduating my step study and can begin helping others work through their hurts, habits, and hang-ups! Come out and see what CR can do for your life!!

New Me

Hello, it has been way too long since I have pulled up my blog and just wrote. I do a lot of journaling but that isn't normally shared with anyone, much less everyone on my social media wo wants to read it. 

This one will be a little long, just going to warn you ahead of time, but I promise if you read the whole thing, you will learn a thing or two about me. Here goes....

Our church has something called Celebrate Recovery that they offer each and every week to those who want to go, yes, even if that Wednesday falls on a holiday, they are there with open arms. A little over a year ago they were talking about it being the 1st Anniversary of having it at Essential and how it was going to be a giant celebration. 

Rewind a little.... Celebrate Recovery is for anyone with a hurt habbit, or hangup. In my mind, it was for people struggling with something that I wasn't. I really thought it was for people who had struggles with drinking, drugs, bad habbits they needed help with. I could not have been more wrong. 

Okay, back to the big celebration. A good friend of mine had said that she went and invited me to go and check it out. I said sure, made arrangements for Lexi to get to and from practice, this was when she was practicing every Wednesday.  I arrived at the church and saw so many friends, I was nervous and excited, I had no idea what to expect. It not only was the 1 year anniversary of CR at our church, it was chip night! I will explain that in a little bit.

The evening started with worship, everyone went up and got their chips when their time of "sobriety" was called out. A blue chip is the first step, next chip is 30 days and so on. I still wasn't sure what CR was really all about. Seeing all of my friends and people I didn't know cheering for them as they made that public declaration was so emotional. Our speaker that night gave their testimony and I sobbed. I mean couldn't breath, non stop crying like I hadn't done in a long time. I didn't think about it then, but that was God telling me "Welcome Home".

Celebrate recovery is for people who struggle with drinking and drugs, but it is so much more than that. It's for people who are or have dealt with depression, eating issues, self image issues, anxiety, other habbits, hurts, or hangups that are keeping them from living the life with Jesus that they are longing to have. 

I had a conversation with the Pastor who heads up our CR a few weeks later. I told him I wanted to continue attending but I am busy every Wednesday. He told me something that has stuck with me since that day. He said, "Lauren. when it is your time to be here, God will make that happen and make a way for you to be here". I wasn't able to make it bck for several months despite wanting to reach out more and see what I could learn from it. 

A few months ago they announced they were going to start The Landing, CR for teens. Since I am very active in our youth group, they asked if I would mind going the first night so any teens from our church who went would have a familiar person there with them. At this point travel softball was done for the spring since school ball was starting up and I had Wednesdays open. When the night was over, I was asked to stay and help with the teen program each week.

After a few weeks I realized that I had begun to hand things over to God that I had held on to and that had held me captive for so many years.

Ready to learn the first thing about me in this blog........

 When we introduce ourselves at CR, we start with "I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and I struggle with________, and my name is ________. When I introduced myself to the teens that first night and said that I struggle with anxiety, I can't tell you how many of them turned and looked at me with their jaws dropped open. I don't, well, I didn't share that often or to many people. I was ashamed of dealing with anxiety. I thought as a mom and navy wife, someone who served in our church, someone who manages a department at my job, and someone who loves Jesus more than anything, that it was wrong to have anxiety. It's not wrong, but it is something that I am working on daily trying to hand it to God and let Him take it. 

During the next chip night, we have them once a month, I decided it was my time to take that step and pick up my blue chip. The unbelievable emotion that I felt, the weight literally lifted off of my shoulders making me feel free, the friends and other members who attend cheering for me making that decision was overwhelming. I felt free for the first time in so long and I felt so supported. I work with a good friend who attends CR at her church and the next day when I went in, I told her I had something to show her, I pulled out my blue chip and she cried with me!! Y'all, the amount of support you get with what we all refer to as "Our Forever Family" is amazing!

Are there still times I have to remember to hand things over to God before I let them affect me like they used to, absolutely, but I know that God had me!

I have since gotten my 30 day and 60 day chips. I am picking up my 90 day chip this week... As well as a blue one for another area of my life I am going to start working on. 

This Wednesday I would love to invite you as my guest to come check out something that has been helping me tremendously. Message me for info... We are having dinner (pizza $5) at 6:15pm, worship at 7pm, chip night celebration time, graduation from CR step studies (I haven't done this part yet) and an amazing testimony given by a great friend. I can't wait to hear it, cheer for everyone picking up chips, and spending another night with my forever family!

Y'all, CR has been changing my life in more ways than one. I can't thank them enough for bringing it to our church and being there each and every week!

Relationships

   I am and always have been one of those people who give their all in each and every relationship I have. Sometimes that has worked out, more often than not lately it has caused more pain than happiness. I either get taken advantage of or the other person in the relationship doesn't care the way I do and therefore it ends in feeling alone.
   When I say relationship, that goes for every kind, friends, husband, family. My relationships with family and my husband are fantastic. I am very happy in each and every one of them. The ones I am having a hard time with are friends.
    Yes, I have friends, but lately that lonely feeling has set back in. This may sound childish, but it's how I feel and that's what I am sharing. It hurts when you aren't invited out with the girls. I have had 2 girls nights in the last 2.5 years. I am a busy mom and wife, but I have time for friends. It's hard when you're the "new one". We have been here for over two years, but most of the friends I have grew up together and their friendships are set and stronger. I feel like an outsider sometimes. I know that's life with the military, just hard to swallow sometimes.
   
     

New Year...New Me

   I used to be a blogger. Well, if you can call the note section on myspace a blog. I would write and feel better about myself, get things out and not bottle them up, share thoughts with anyone who wanted to read them, and I was held accountable. One of my goals for this year is to blog more. I am not doing it for anyone else, I'm not doing it to air out dirty laundry, no-one even has to read it, I am doing it for me.
    Every year I try to make new years resolutions. Each year some of them happen while others aren't even close to being met. This year I have decided to shorten my list and make sure I complete them. How and why is this year different? That's  good question. Some of the things on my list, I have been working on for a few years, it's time that they happen, and that I make them happen.
     What are my resolutions this year?
*To be a better daughter of Christ
   ~Reading my Bible more, praying with purpose
*To be a better mom
    ~I absolutely love being a mom to my three beauties. There are some days that are harder than others and I need to work on those days. I need to be more positive, and make communication better and more meaningful between all of us.
*To be a better wife
     ~Being married is not always easy and fun. I love my husband like crazy, but being married takes work. We have different roles in the marriage and the family and I want to do whatever I can to make our marriage stronger.
*To lose weight and get healthier
       ~I have never been happy with how I look even when I as itty bitty. Having others motivate me and push me has always helped. This year I have several new ideas and plans in place to make this happen and I can't wait to start on this journey and reach the goal I've had for a while.
*To build my business
       ~I am still with ItWorks. It hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be, but I am thinking of new ways to tackle it and make it into something huge.

I have so many things in mind for each of these. I can't wait to get started and make 2015 the best it can be for myself and my family!

I Forgive You

     I forgive you... Yes, you, the person reading this right now. I am writing this to family and friends. You might be wondering what I am forgiving you for. I guess I should fill you in on that now, right?
      Wayne and I go to an amazing church. One of the groups we "belong" to is Genesis, a wonderful group for young adults. I know, we're probably too old to be there still, but they are wonderful enough to let us keep attending...for now:) Last night we sang a song that we've sung several times, well one of the lines grabbed my attention.

"The cross before me, the world behind me. No turning back, no turning back"
    
I realized in that moment that I tend to live in the past and focus on things that have hurt me and upset me and I hold a grudge.God forgives us all for everything as long as we ask Him to, why is it so hard for us to do the same?  There are several people who don't even know that I hold that grudge against them, they don't know why. Some people may not care and that's fine. I'm not writing this for you, I'm writing it for me. I can't move forward and live my life the way God intended me to without moving out of the past and focusing on my future. To move out of the past, I have to let things go and forgive people so that I can start with a clean slate and forget about it all!!
    I have prayed over everyone that I need to forgive and told God what they've done to upset me and asked Him to help me move forward! There are some things that I am going to struggle with for a while. Some things are harder to get past, but I am going to do my best to work on them! 
     

My Spiritual Journey

   I am the closest to God now that I have ever been. It's taken time, faith, patience, prayers, and going down the wrong path at times to get here. After a lot of thinking and praying, I've decided it's time to write about this amazing journey. Like all of my blogs, I don't really care who reads them, they are mainly for me but I share them (well, most of them) to let others in. 
   I was born and raised in a Christian home, went to church on a regular basis, went to a private Lutheran school, and have always known that Jesus is my savior! Does that mean that I've always done the right things? Absolutely not.
I have sinned, every one of us do all the time. Those who say they don't are not only not being honest with themselves and others, they aren't being honest with God. I stopped going to church for a while. I wouldn't talk about my love for God around friends because I knew they either didn't believe or I wouldn't have "fit in". I explored a different religion that I soon found out wasn't for me. I won't say which one that was because It's not my place to say they're right or wrong, but it wasn't what I believe in.
  When I was in high school, one of my favorite teachers and I were talking and she told me about the church that she went to. I tried it out and loved it. I went there for a few years, participated in the youth department helping out, and loved the church family that I had. I just knew that I was going to marry someone who had a similar background and things would be perfect. I was wrong, and I'm glad I was. Wayne never went to church while growing up. He said yes the first time I asked him to go with me and he's been going ever since.  We moved to South Carolina and found the most amazing church! We started going to a young adult night, we went to the first young marrieds group that was there, we'd be there every Sunday, we prayed and read the Bible, but it wasn't enough. All three of our daughters were all baptized and know that God loves them, but aside from dinner and bedtime prayers, we didn't talk about Him. I felt something missing, it was almost like going through the motions without the emotions behind it. Don't get me wrong, we loved everything about it all, but I still felt empty. I found out later why. Don't worry, we'll get to that part!
   When we moved from SC to VA, nothing was the same. We had a few friends who moved with us, we met new ones there, but never found a church we couldn't wait to go to. That's when I felt the most lost. I still prayed, listened to Christian music, and loved God, but that's where it ended. I would let myself get stressed out way more than I needed to over everything. Why? Because I wasn't allowing God into my whole life.
   Ok, now for the best part..... I feel complete and no longer empty!!! We are back at the church that we LOVE! We have amazing friends, true friends, who are our church family. The girls all love going into their classes, singing praise songs all the time, praying, and we talk about everything God does all the time. Wayne and I are now there on Sundays, Tuesdays for the young adult class, Wayne's playing with the church softball team, we go to the young marrieds group, and I go to MOPS. Does that make everything right and us good people? Not exactly. Yes, it's great that we are getting so involved. That's what God wants, but He wants more than that too. He wants a personal relationship with us all. 
We've seen God really start working more in our family! Wayne's leading prayers at home, we're talking about the lessons we've been talking about in all of our classes and services all throughout the week and making them part of our lives, we're talking about what holidays (i.e. Easter and Christmas even palm Sunday) are about with the girls. My parents have found their first church home in a few years (we had a great one, but after a few pastoral changes in very little time, it wasn't the same to us). Hearing them talk about it is amazing to me!
  I'm reading the Bible and several Christian books and trying to better my relationship with God. Every single person has to work at that everyday. I'm praying and living my life the way God wants me to. It's great to know that I'm whole again because MY GOD LOVES ME!!! God loves you too.. How amazing is that? Seriously, GOD LOVES YOU!!!